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Date:         Fri, 4 Mar 1994 07:14:29 -0500
From: BITNET list server at UGA (1.7f) <[e-mail]>
Subject:      File: "HUMOR LOG00021"
To: Jack Zibert <[e-mail]>

HUMOR021
========
Date:         Tue, 6 Jul 1993 13:39:31 PDT
From:         "Hazem N. Nashif" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Microsoft and Jurassic park

Q:  What's the difference between Microsoft and Jurassic park ?
A:  One's a big theme park full of dinosaurs and the other is a Steven
    Spielberg movie.

[e-mail]
==========
Date:         Tue, 6 Jul 1993 17:16:53 EDT
From:         Bill Edwards <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Reagan age humor & change in rule about mail size

   After consulting with 18 of our most frequent contributors, I
have now changed rule #4 to read:

   Posts should be shorter than 50 lines; HUMOR will not accept
posts longer than 100 lines (headers and signatures count in the
total).

   Under the previous rule, people were allowed to post an article
as long as 250 lines.  This change is designed to protect
subscribers from large volumes of unwanted mail.  People who have
collected large files of humor are encouraged to post *samples*
from their files and offer to send complete files privately.

Obligatory Humor: REAGAN'S AGE

   The primary goal of political humor is to defuse uncomfortable
issues that will not respond to facts and figures.  In 1980 and
through the early years of his Presidency, Reagan's people were
convinced that the biggest problem he had to overcome was the
perception that he was too old to be president.  And so at every
opportunity, Ronald Reagan did age jokes.

   Reagan quoted Thomas Jefferson's comment that a person's
chronological age should be no barrier to his service to his
country.  Then he would pause and say, "And when Tom told me that
. . ."

   Speaking to the Washington Press Club, Reagan mentioned its
founding in 1919 and added, "It seems like only yesterday."

   "I share with you the honor of this special occasion, the 105th
annual meeting of the great American Bar Association.  It isn't
true that I attended the first meeting."

   Reagan said, "Well, Andrew Jackson left the White House at the
age of seventy-five and he was still quite vigorous.  I know
because he told me."

   Said Reagan to a group of doctors, "We've made so many advances
in my lifetime.  For example, I have lived ten years longer than my
life expectancy when I was born--a source of annoyance to a great
many people.

   "Mr. President," asked Henry Trewhitt, a veteran reporter, ". .
. you already are the oldest President in history, and some of your
staff say you were tired after your most recent encounter with Mr.
Mondale.  I recall that President Kennedy had to go for days on end
with very little sleep during the Cuban missile crisis.  Is there
any doubt in your mind that you would be able to function in such
circumstances?"

  "I want you to know that I will not make age an issue in this
campaign.  I am not going to exploit, for political purposes, my
opponent's youth and inexperience."  After that joke, age was never
a serious issue during Reagan's  Presidency.
==========
Date:         Tue, 6 Jul 1993 22:29:03 BST
From:         Mike Ellwood <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: reagan age humor and change of rules

Bill's Reagan quotes put  me in mind of Margaret Thatcher's "humor".
She was not renowned for her personal sense of humour, and whenever
her speech writers gave her a joke to tell, no one was ever sure whether
she even got it herself.

On one occasion, she was praising her steadfast, reliable adviser,
William Whitelaw, who kept her out of trouble by urging caution  now and
again. "Every Prime Minister should have a Willy", she said.
This was received with great amusement.
However, no one is really sure, to this day, whether she told it
straight and then realised the double-entendre, intended it as a joke
all the time, or simply didn't even realise she had made a joke until
someone explained it to her off-stage!

Mike Ellwood,Abingdon, GB ([e-mail])

"Help Preserve Endangered Species"

    O    8
   /|\  /8\    O     ,__o
    |   /_\   /|\  _-\_<,
  _/ \_ _|_  _/ \_(*)/'(*)
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
 (thanks to Joe Sweeney for the cyclist graphic :) )
==========
Date:         Tue, 6 Jul 1993 17:44:46 EDT
From:         BETH WOODELL <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Reagan joke

Adult sexual content, delete now if necessary




The recent post about Ronald Reagan reminded me of a joke I heard
recently (sorry if this one's already been on the list):

Ronald Reagan was chatting with Strom Thurmond one day and said, "Strom!
How do you do it? You're well into your 90's now and you're still as
great a cocksman as ever. What's your secret? Vitamins? Exercise?"
   Thurmond says, "No, none of that. All I do is, get this, before I
get into bed each night I whack my johnson against the bedpost four times.
Wap! Wap! Wap! Wap! After that he's ready to party."
   Reagan is amazed, naturally, but Thurmond assures him it'll work for an
old coot like him too. Reagan thanks him for the tip and makes a mental note
to try it on Nancy that night.
   So, when he crawls into bed it's dark, Nancy is already in bed, probably
with her hair in curlers and mud on her face....and Ronnie goes up to the
bedpost, whips out his johnson and...wap! wap! wap! wap!
   Nancy immediately wakes up and whispers in the night, "Strom! Is that you?"

Beth Woodell
University of Maryland
[e-mail]
"Gasoline and cheap perfume--half the smell of American adventure."
==========
Date:         Tue, 6 Jul 1993 17:23:57 -0500
From:         Brad Pardee <[e-mail]>
Subject:      bugs on TV

There was a man who was going to do a public access show on cable to talk
about lyme disease, how to avoid it, and how to protect your pets.  He
realized after the first showing, though, that people were tuning in
expecting to hear somebody discuss clocks and watches.  So he decided
that he would have to change the program's name, which was Tick Talk.
==========
Date:         Tue, 6 Jul 1993 23:03:00 EST
From:         "Shirley D. Kennedy [phone]"
<[e-mail]>
Subject:      off-color Ronald Reagan joke

Q.  Why did Nancy always insist on being on top?
A.  Because Ronald Reagan could only fuck up.

==========
Date:         Wed, 7 Jul 1993 14:13:40 EST
From:         Tommy Hughes <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Things must be bad

  I hear talk about our weakened economy, our huge debt, and the high
rate of unemployment.  I look for encouragement whever I can find it.
It is so depressing.  I can't find any hope.  I don't want to think
about tomorrow.  Then today I learn that three of George Bush's
children are starting a new chain of stores.  Great you think.  Hey,
they are going to advertise on Rush Limbaugh's show.  Then I found out,
those stores are going to be going-out-of-business stores.  :-)  Maybe
Senator Dole can arrange some government guaranteed loans.
==========
Date:         Wed, 7 Jul 1993 14:59:45 -0400
From:         Amy Ward <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Bumper stickers (fwd)

Making fun of New Age: "Visualize ...  Using Your Turn Signal"

Gay rights: "God Created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve"

Politics/ other-party-bashing:
  "Impeach the Clintons"
  "Friends Don't Let Friends Vote Republican"
  "Bill Clinton Doesn't Inhale -- He Sucks"
  "Vote Republican -- It's Easier Than Thinking"


Miscellaneous:
  "Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway"
  "No Matter Where You Go, There You Are"
  "Cats Flattened While You Watch"

  "Stamp Out Crime.  Abolish the IRS."
  "Dare to Keep the CIA Off Drugs"
  "My Other Car Is a Broom"
  "Happiness Is Your Mother-in-Law's Picture On the Back of a Milk Carton"

  "Quit Sniveling"
  "Have You Flogged Your Crew Today?"
  "Not All Men Are Fools.  Some Men Are Bachelors"
  "Husbands Are Proof That Women Have a Sense of Humor"

  "Forget the Whales.  Save the Cowboy"
  "Old Skiers Never Die.  They Just Go Downhill.
  "Disarm Rapists"
  "My Karma Just Ran Over Your Dogma"
  "Black Holes Suck"
  "This Vehicle Swerves and Hits Pedestrians at Random"

  "I Brake for Hallucinations"
  "If You Love Jesus-- Tithe -- Any Fool Can Honk"
  "I'm OK.  You're So-So."
  "Scixelsyd Etinu" (read backwards)
  "Jesus Saves ... String"

  "Your Mother's Choice Was Pro-Life"
  "My Mother Was a Travel Agent for Guilt Trips"
  "Hug Your Kids at Home and Belt Them in the Car"
  "Money Isn't Everything, but It Sure Keeps the Kids in Touch"
  "My Child Can Beat Up Your Honor Student"
==========
Date:         Wed, 7 Jul 1993 15:26:15 EST
From:         Joe Mole <[e-mail]>
Subject:      A dog idiom

Hair of the dog that bit you:

   It is said that someone who wakes up with a hangover can cure it
by taking a drink of the same alcohol he'd been drinking the night
before.  It is an extension of the old belief that the antidote to
a dog bite is the burnt hair of the dog that bit you.


Stonewall:

   This word, which means to refuse to talk or answer, was greatly
used during Watergate.  Originally, it was a cricket term which was
used to indicate the kind of defensive play when one team concentra-
ted on blocking the ball from their own wicket, or goal, rather than
trying to gain the offensive.


The last straw:

   The final burden, problem, or bit of bad luck which brings you to
the breaking point is often greeted with, "That's the last straw!"  Also,
"that was the straw that broke the camel's back."  This originated
in the fable of the man who claimed that his camel could be trained to
carry enormous weights if you went about it gradually, leading him
up one straw at a time until ....
==========
Date:         Wed, 7 Jul 1993 15:14:00 EST
From:         BABA <[e-mail]>
Subject:      more bumper stickers.......

While on the subject....
..someone sent this to me a while back...


----------------------------Original message----------------------------

<forwards deleted>
                       New Bumper Stickers

There was a contest in New York Magazine inviting imaginative readers to
supply new bumper stickers.  In this country, every cause appears to be
represented with a bumper sticker.

The magazine chided the submittors for too many variations on common
formats such as "Honk if you ..." (have sinus trouble; like Ankhs;
simply adore foie gras) and "I brake for ..." (Elvis; cubic zirconia;
hallucinations).

Here are selected submissions.

Another Drag Queen for Bush
Don't Laugh, It's Stolen
Floggings will continue until morale improves
My Other Car Has a Radio
Ask Me About Satanism
Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes
Overthrow the Fascist American Pigs!
              (with a happy face next to the words)
Welcome to New York, Putz
Stamp out Flamenco
Caution: I can go from zero to ballistic in 1.4 seconds
Legalize Feenamint
Perot: So He's Not Running; Let's Elect Him Anyway
Cars Longa, Vita Brevis <Latin help required?>
I Dated Wilt Chamberlin
Keep Reincarnation Safe and Legal
Millie for First Lady; Tipper for First Dog
I'd Rather Be Linpyag Nasramga <help>
Friends Don't Let Friends Vote Republican
You know what this is... You know what to do
Christians for Knishes
Hoover Lives
Justice Thomas is an Oxymoron
Shoot the NRA
Goyim for Jesus
Save the Iambic Pentameter
If you have a car phone and are over 18,
  call me at 555-1234;
  only $.95 per minute.
Join the Club of the Redundancy Club
Free Colonel Mustard
Honk if you want to see my finger
No Grey Poupon
Sorry, I Don't Date Outside My Species
Buy White House Cookies
Schizophrenics for Bush and Clinton
This Too Shall Pass
If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now
____________________



____________________
==========
Date:         Wed, 7 Jul 1993 16:37:31 -0400
From:         Patti Johnson <[e-mail]>
Subject:      forgetting your bumper sticker

... all these bumper stickers remind me of a story a friend once told me
... happened to him.

He was following a car that had a bumper sticker that read: "Honk if you
love Jesus"  He did.  The driver of the sticker'd car gave him the finger.

Guess ya hadda be there.
                        patti
==========
Date:         Wed, 7 Jul 1993 16:43:00 EST
From:         "Shirley D. Kennedy [phone]"
<[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Bumper stickers (fwd)

Anti-tourist bumper stickers from FL:

If you love NY, take I-95 north

Happiness is a Canadian headed north with a Michigander under each arm

When I get old, I'm going to move up north and drive real slow

Welcome to Florida.  Now go home.

Some of us have to get to WORK

***

Best bumper sticker seen in the last year or so:

Preachers do it with Amazing Grace

***

Bumper sticker on the car of a friend, who is an industrial process
engineer:

Pneumatics suck...and blow

***

Shirl
==========
Date:         Wed, 7 Jul 1993 17:55:09 -0400
From:         Lee Bradley <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: A dog idiom

I enjoyed the clever explanations of the origin of "hair of the dog,"
"stonewall," and "the last straw."  Does anyone known the origin of "the
whole nine yards"?

Obligatory humor, be it ever so corny:

You heard about the construction worker who fell into the cement mixer and
got a little behind in his work?
==========
Date:         Wed, 7 Jul 1993 16:08:01 -0600
From:         "Computer Center Ext. 6839" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      CORNY: Two liner

Did you hear about the guy who worked at the bubble gum factory and fell in
the
bubble gum?

His boss chewed him out!
==========
Date:         Wed, 7 Jul 1993 17:26:26 -0600
From:         Evelyn Clement <[e-mail]>
Subject:      ADULT HUMR LIMERICK

There was a young fellow from Ghentt
Whose tool was so long that it bent.
     To save himself trouble
     He put it in double.
And instead of coming he went!hw
==========
Date:         Wed, 7 Jul 1993 18:37:48 -0600
From:         Les Pourciau at Memphis State
<[e-mail]>
Subject:      Mild euphemism

Shortly after WWII, Edward R. Murrow was interviewing, on live radio, a
famous,
British Air Ace.  He asked this gentleman to recount one of his more dramatic
air battles during the war.  The Air Ace thought a second, and started, "One
morning around 5 a.m., my squadron was flying over southern France.  All of a
sudden, I looked out at 12 O'Clock and saw three Fokkers.  Then, at 10
O'Clock,
I saw two more Fokkers.  At three O'Clock, there were yet two more Fokkers."
At this point, Murrow broke in and said, "For the sake of our listening Audience
I think it appropriate to say that a Fokker is a German, fighter aircraft."
The British Air Ace responded, saying, "Yes, that's perfectly correct.  These
Fokkers, however, were flying Messerschmidts!"

==========
Date:         Wed, 7 Jul 1993 18:44:23 CST
From:         Terrie McMillan <[e-mail]>
Organization: University of Arkansas
Subject:      oldie rated g

Here's an oldie but a goodie (and corny, too)....

******************************************************************
****

Sam the clam and Harry the oyster were best friends on earth.  Harry
was a good oyster, so when he died he went to heaven.  Sam, on the
other hand, was somewhat devilish so he went to (well, you know).  As
the years went by, Harry grew to miss his friend more and more.
Finally, he asked St. Peter if he could please visit his old friend
just one more time.  St. Peter, knowing what a good oyster Harry was
and how sad he was, agreed on the condition that Harry be back to
heaven by 12:00 midnight.  Harry was so excited that he grabbed his
harp and ran down to earth and on to (well, you know).  When he got
there,  he discovered that Sam had a dance place.  Sam, on seeing his
old friend, invited him to sit in with the band and do a few tunes.
Harry jammed with the band and was having a high ole time when he
realized that it was 11:57 pm.  He quickly told Sam that he had to
leave and hurried back to earth and then on to heaven.  He stopped
cold in front of the gates with a look of total dispair.  St. Peter
said, "Why Harry, what's wrong?  You're not late."  Harry just looked
at him, shook his head and cried:

    I LEFT MY HARP IN SAM CLAM'S DISCO!

==========
Date:         Wed, 7 Jul 1993 18:44:56 CST
From:         Carol Ralston <[e-mail]>
Organization: University of Arkansas
Subject:      Stupid enough to be humorous

    What did the potato chip say to the battery????


    I'm frito-lay if you're eveready!!!
==========
Date:         Thu, 8 Jul 1993 08:46:22 -0400
From:         Nate Ravid <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Ted Koppel Political Humor

While watching Nightline last night, I was amazed to hear Ted Koppel come out
with this DOOZY!
He was talking about the floods along the Mississippi River and stated:
"When Bill Clinton visited the flood-ravaged state of Iowa, the people there
thought they had seen the worst that nature could throw at them."

Ted finally wings a winner!

Nate
Sikorsky Aircraft
==========
Date:         Thu, 8 Jul 1993 09:40:45 EST
From:         Peter Greenberg <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Summit Malapropism

Mickey Kantor, quoted on CNN last night talking about agreement at the G-7
summit:

   "There are no winners or losers...we're all winners."

Huh?

Peter Greenberg
==========
Date:         Thu, 8 Jul 1993 17:01:43 MET-1
From:         Josephine Jarfas <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Thatcher

The reference to Thatcher reminded me of this one I heard on a tour in
London, three years ago.

Bush, Gorbichev and Thatcher all die on the same day and they are at the
pearly gates of heaven.  God comes up to them and asks them to come in to
his throne so he can talk to them.  They all go up to the throne and God
sits down.  First he asks Bush:  "Why should you be let into heaven?"

Bush says, "Well, God, I've always been a strong christian and I've tried
to live my life in the best way possible."

God says,  "Well, this is true.  Why don't you come up and sit on my right
side."  Then he asks Gorbichev, "Why should you be let into heaven?"

Gorbichev says, "Well, it is true that I never believed in you before, but
now that I see that you are in fact here, I am prepared to do everything
I can to adore and honor you.  I also tried to live my life the best that
I could."

God thinks for a moment and says, "Well, I'm prepared to give you a chance.
Come and sit on my left side."  Then he turns to Margaret Thatcher (when
she was P.M.) and asks her the same question. "Why should you be let into
heaven?"

Thatcher turns to God with this furious look on her face and says, "What
are you doing in my chair?"

It's even better with voices.

Josephine
==========
Date:         Thu, 8 Jul 1993 11:19:26 EDT
From:         BETH WOODELL <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Pearly gates jokes

Josephine's joke about Bush, Gorbachev and Thatcher has been making
the rounds here as well, only with Bush, Bill Clinton and Hillary as
the featured players. Since she provided me a segue', let me say that
my SO and I have been collecting pearly gates jokes for a few months now.
Herewith, our favorite (and more to follow in future posts):

Mr. and Mrs. Jones are killed in a car crash and go up to the pearly gates.
Naturally, the line is enormous! Jones is trying to see up to the front to
see what's going on. Here's what he sees: St. Peter checking in new appli-
cants (we like to picture him with a clipboard in hand):
   "So, Mr. Smith! We've been watching you down on earth. You really loved
your
money, didn't you?! You were always counting it, hoarding it, never gave
alms to the poor, never donated to any charities...why, you were such a
cheapskate, you loved your money SO MUCH you even married a woman
named
PENNY!" And Mr. Smith is instantly dispatched to {the other place}.
   (Jones turns to his wife and whispers, "Boy, is he being strict!")
   Next applicant up, St. Peter takes one look and says, "Ah! Mr. Anderson.
We've been watching you down on earth! You really loved your liquor, didn't
you? Always drunk on the job, until you lost your job because you drank too
much...spent every penny you had on booze...heck, you're HERE 'cause you
were
a drunk driver...why, you loved your booze SO MUCH you even married a
woman
named SHERRY!" And St. Peter dismissed Mr. Anderson.
   At this point our hero Jones turns to his wife and says, "Let's get out
of here now, Fanny. We're wasting our time in this line!"

Beth Woodell
University of Maryland
[e-mail]
Charter member, Maryland Grammar Police
==========
Date:         Thu, 8 Jul 1993 12:14:27 -0400
From:         Alex Tsekhansky <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Real Programmers Don't Use PASCAL (Computer Humor G)

Hi, folks! If you remember BOFH series I posted about a week ago,
this is my next posting "Real Programmers Don't Use PASCAL.
It's a Computer Humor about good old times, computers and languages.
According to new rules of the conference, post CAN NOT be more, than
50 lines, moreover, I can post ONLY samples of the big stories. So, if
you'd like to get it all, send me a message. Enjoy!
====<   Sample Posting   >===========
6.  THE REAL PROGRAMMER AT PLAY
     Generally, the Real Programmer plays the same way  he  works  --  with
computers.  He  is constantly amazed that his employer actually pays him to
do what he would be doing for fun anyway, although he  is  careful  not  to
express  this opinion out loud. Occasionally, the Real Programmer does step
out of the office for a breath of fresh air and a beer or two. Some tips on
recognizing real programmers away from the computer room:

*    At a party, the Real Programmers are the ones in  the  corner  talking
     about operating system security and how to get around it.

*    At a football game, the Real Programmer is the one comparing the plays
     against his simulations printed on 11 by 14 fanfold paper.

*    At the beach, the Real Programmer is the one drawing flowcharts in the
     sand.

*    A Real Programmer goes to a disco to watch the light show.

*    At a funeral, the Real Programmer is the one saying "Poor George.  And
     he almost had the sort routine working before the coronary."

*    In a grocery store, the Real Programmer is the one who insists on run-
     ning  the  cans  past  the  laser checkout scanner himself, because he
     never could trust keypunch operators to get it right the first time.

7.  THE REAL PROGRAMMER'S NATURAL HABITAT
     What sort of environment does the Real Programmer  function  best  in?
This is an important question for the managers of Real Programmers. Consid-
ering the amount of money it costs to keep one on the staff, it's  best  to
put him (or her) in an environment where he can get his work done.

     The typical Real Programmer lives in front  of  a  computer  terminal.
Surrounding this terminal are:

*    Listings of all programs the Real Programmer has ever worked on, piled
     in roughly chronological order on every flat surface in the office.
======< End Sample >===========
==========
Date:         Thu, 8 Jul 1993 12:20:27 EDT
From:         "Sammie L. Foss" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      heaven joke

Three guys arrive at the gates of heaven.
They are greeted by (you guessed it) St. Peter, who asks the first one,
     "Have you ever cheated on your wife?"
      "No sir, not ever, I was married for 30 wonderful years
and I never even looked at another women!", replied the man.
     "Very good!", said St. Peter, "Here is a brand new Mercades
for you to drive here in heaven."
To the next guy: "Have you ever cheated on your wife?"
     "Well," said the man, "I was married for 40 years and I only
cheated on her once."
     "That is not good," replied St. Peter, "but since it was only once
in 40 years, here is a nice Oldsmobile for you to drive here in heaven."
To the 3rd man: "Sir, did you ever cheat on your wife?"
     "Well," said #3, "I was married for 45 years and I only
cheated twice, no, three times."
     "You have been a bad boy", said St. Peter, "but since you were
honest, here is a nice Pinto for you to drive here in heaven."
All 3 men drove away in their cars.
A few days later the guy in the Pinto pulled up next to the guy in the
Mercades at a stop light.  He looked over and noticed that the man
in the Mercades was crying.  So he asked the man, "Why are you crying,
you have a fine car to drive around here in heaven.  You should be happy."
    "Well, I was happy," replied the man, "but at that last light I saw
my wife, and she was riding a Bicycle."

Thank you, Thank you!
==========
Date:         Thu, 8 Jul 1993 13:12:45 CDT
From:         "Scott P. Muir" <[e-mail]>
Organization: THE UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA
Subject:      Musician Jokes

Q.   What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
A.   Nobody cries when you chop up an oboe.

Q.   What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
A.   You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

Q.   Why do people take an instant dislike to violists?
A.   Saves time.

Q.   What do violists use for birth control?
A.   Their personalities.

Q.   What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a
     country singer in the road?
A.   The country singer may have been on the way to record a
     session.

Q.   How do you get two piccolos to play in perfect unison?
A.   Shoot one.

Q.   Why is playing an English horn solo like wetting your pants?
A.   Both give you a warm feeling, but no one else cares.

Q.   Why are violins smaller than violas?
A.   They aren't.   Violinists heads are bigger.

Q.   Why is a violinist like a Scud missile.
A.   Both are offensive and inaccurate.

Q.   What's the difference between a cello and a coffin?
A.   The coffin has the corpse inside.

Q.   What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A.   A drummer.

Q.   What does a timpanist say when he gets to his gig?
A.   "Would you like fries with that?"

Q.   How does a soprano change a light bulb?
A.   She just hold it and the world revolves around her.

Q.   If you drop a conductor and a watermelon off the top of a
     building, which hits the ground first?
A.   Who cares?

Q.   What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of
     fertilizer?
A.   The sack.

Q.   Why are conductors hearts coveted for transplants?
A.   They've had so little use.
==========
Date:         Thu, 8 Jul 1993 15:42:45 EDT
From:         Ron Chibnik <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Real Programmers Don't Use PASCAL (Computer Humor G)
              8 Jul 1993 12:14:27 -0400 <[e-mail]>

Hi! I liked your real-programmers at play (I've seen the Pascal thing
LONG ago) but would like it if you send whatever you humor have
regarding programmers.

I have a collection of humor, mostly diverse, collected from
rec.humor, which I would be happy to share, if you'de like a catalog
(I'd send catalog now, but dont have it prepared.)

Anyway, thanks for sharing on HUMOR.
Ron Chibnik
[e-mail]
==========
Date:         Thu, 8 Jul 1993 15:51:07 EDT
From:         Ron Chibnik <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Pearly Gate Joke

Sorry if you've seen this before:

Gorbechev, Kissinger and Regan are killed on the way to a peace
conference. Kissinger and Gorbechev awaken and find themselves on a
tree lined street, perfect weather, feeling great. Kissinger things
and says "I guess this must be heaven." "Then why", wonders Gorbechev,
"do we each have this ugly woman chained to our leg?"

They go off in search of God, but when they get to his office, God's
secretary turns them away. "Look", he tells the two, "You guys just
barely made it in here. God doesnt have time to talk to you. If you
don't like it, you can go to Hell!"

So as the two are walking away the see Regan, with Bo Derek chained to
him. They're agast. When they catch up to him, they ask, "How come we
have these two ugly broads, and you have Bo Derek?" "Well, it's like
this. Bo barely made it in here, and ..."

Ron
[e-mail]
==========
Date:         Fri, 9 Jul 1993 08:35:08 EDT
From:         Bernadette C Himaras <[e-mail]>
Subject:      uderstanding women(PG13)

We have tried to explain
Women to not belch,
Women do not snore,
and
Women do not fart...
Therefore,
They must bitch
pr they will blow up!
Now do you understand?





--
Bernadette Himaras
[e-mail]
==========
Date:         Fri, 9 Jul 1993 15:25:40 BST
From:         Mr Hugh Armour <[e-mail]>
Subject:      More Programmers' Humour

Recite in the rythme of "The Lord is My Shepard....."

            The Programmer's Psalm
            ----------------------
   Programming is my life, I shall not be bored.
   It maketh me to do research in far places.
   It causeth me to correspond with odd people.
   It keepeth me alert.
   It leadeth me into areas of understanding for necessity's sake.
   Yea, though I live through a Winter of inclement weather,
   I will fear no boredom, for my languages are with me.
   Their syntax and their structure they confound me.
   They provideth me a means of escaping the leisures of my free time.
   My cash runneth lower.
   Surely, frustration and error codes will follow me all the days of my life.
   And I shall dwell in the domain of the Super-user forever.
   Return.

--
Hugh Armour
Senior Operator
Computer Services
University of Stirling

E-Mail: [e-mail]


"What the hell?" is often the best decision to make.
==========
Date:         Fri, 9 Jul 1993 09:33:55 CDT
From:         Paul Franson <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Pearly Gates / Oral Roberts Story

Oral Roberts (the faith-healing televangelist) is "called home" and arrives
at the pearly gates to face a very stoic looking St. Peter.

"Name, please" asks St. Peter.  "Oral Roberts, sir", he replies meekly.

"THE Oral Roberts??!!"  "Well, yes sir.  Is there some problem?"

"My supervisor wants to see you immediately!".

Oral is lead down a fabulously ornate hall to a solid silver, jeweled door.
The door opens to reveal a throne room, and on that throne is Jesus.  Oral
throws himself to the floor in complete supplication.

"What is you name, my son ?" Jesus asks softly.  "Oral Roberts".  Jesus peers
down intently, "THE Oral Roberts ??!!?  My father wants to speak with you !"

Jesus gets down from the throne, and leads Oral to another hallway.  They
arrive at a solid gold door that is so high, that Oral cannot see the top.
The door is covered with jewels in elaborate patterns that Oral can tell were
worked out by the likes of Michelangelo and Leonardo DiVinci.  The door
opens
effortlessly and beyond is a room with walls of solid gold, inlaid with more
jem paintings.  In the center of this massive room sits a throne hundreds of
feet high.  At the top is fatherly figure bathed in bright light.

"WHAT IS YOUR NAME!!!" booms across the room in a voice that surrounds
Oral.
Oral kneels, and prays, "It is I, Oral Roberts, a humble servant"

"THE ORAL ROBERTS !!!"  "Yes sir", as Oral braves for the worst.

"Look, Oral, I got this pain in my elbow....."

==========
Date:         Fri, 9 Jul 1993 11:46:45 EDT
From:         BETH WOODELL <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Yet another pearly gates joke, rated G

St. Peter is checking in new arrivals at the pearly gates when all of a sudden
he has to go to the bathroom really bad. So he buttonholes Jesus, who happens
to be floating by, and asks if he would mind covering the desk while Peter
does his business. "It's real easy," St. Peter says, "all I've been doing is
asking them about their lives, like what did they do for a living on earth,
what their families were like, that sort of thing."
        "Well, I think I can handle that," Jesus says. So he is there at
the desk while Peter is in the john, and for a while the check-in procedure
is pretty routine. Then up comes a shrunken, wizened little old man, and
Jesus asks the regular, "Well, sir, what did you do for a living on earth?"
        "I was a carpenter," the little old man replied.
        "Gee, what a coincidence," Jesus said. "MY father was a....carpenter
...too..." (you can tell he's thinking, Is this the guy??) "Uh, well...
did you have any children on earth?"
        "I had a son, but he died."
        "REALLY?" Jesus said. "Well, can you...uh...DESCRIBE your son?"
        "Well, he was a regular kind of kid, except, he had holes in his
hands and feet."
        That did it! Jesus slams down his pencil on the desk, flings open his
arms and cries, "Dad!!"
        The little old man's face brightens, he flings open his arms, and
cries, "PINOCCHIO!!"

Beth Woodell
University of Maryland
[e-mail]
Charter member, Maryland Grammar Police
==========
Date:         Fri, 9 Jul 1993 13:02:29 CDT
From:         "Scott P. Muir" <[e-mail]>
Organization: THE UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA
Subject:      Gay men in heaven, likely to offend religious people

     Three gay men who had been friends for years all ended up in
heaven together.  The first man decided he would go out and see
what fun he could find.  He stayed away for what seemed like
hours.  When he returned his friends wanted to know what had
happened and where he had been.  He told them, "I went back to
the pearly gates to see Saint Peter and he sure does live up to
his name!"
     The second man then decided to go out to see what he could
find.  When he returned the scene was repeated and he explained
to his friends, "I found Gabriel and he sure can blow a horn!"
     Well, now the third man went out.  He was gone for the
longest time.  When he returned, his eyes were glazed over and he
had a huge smile on his face.  When his friends ask what had
happened, he only smiled and walked away singing the first line
of "The Battle Hymn of the Republic."  (Mine Eyes Have Seen....)

==========
Date:         Fri, 9 Jul 1993 14:15:47 EDT
From:         "Sammie L. Foss" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      PRISON

Q: What do you buy prisoner on his birthday?

A:  SOAP ON A ROPE!
==========
Date:         Fri, 9 Jul 1993 15:25:21 -0500
From:         Cheryl Causey <[e-mail]>
Subject:      May be offensive to fans of Maryland's Gov. Shaeffer

Here is my first post on this list--TA DA.  Just heard this one yesterday.

A man was trying to cross the Canadian border back into the US but didn't have
his identifcation.  So he told the border patrol that he could prove he was a
US citizen: he had a tatoo of Clinton on one cheek and Gore on the other.  The
officer said, "OK drop your drawers and show me."  So the guy did.  The
officer
then said, "OK, you can pull up your pants.  I believe you.  Have a safe trip
to Maryland."  To which the guy asked, "How did you know I was from
Maryland?"
The officer replied, "Wasn't that Shaeffer in the middle?"

BTW, I'm a Maryland citizen.  To the GOV: It's just a joke; don't flame me!
==========
Date:         Fri, 9 Jul 1993 14:53:15 CDT
From:         Rachel Dvoretzky <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Reagan

Here's an OLD one from when Ronald Reagan was governor of California:


One morning Reagan got up, went into the bathroom, and looked into the mirror
to shave.  He noticed a small bump on his forehead, but thought nothing of it.

The next morning, Reagan got up, went into the bathroom, and looked into the
mirror to shave.  He noticed that the bump had gotten bigger, but figured it
was a zit that would go away by itself.

Every morning that week, Reagan got up, went into the bathroom, and looked
into
the mirror to shave, and every day the bump got bigger, and greenish, and grew
legs and eyes.  By the end of the week it had grown into a frog.  At this point
Reagan decided to see the doctor.

The doctor came into the examination room and asked, "What seems to be the
trou
ble?"  To which the frog replied, "Doc, I've got this growth on my ass that
just won't go away!"
==========
Date:         Fri, 9 Jul 1993 16:36:57 -0600
From:         Les Pourciau at Memphis State
<[e-mail]>
Subject:      The Lesson (Innocuous)

                              THE LESSON

Then, Jesus took his disciples up the mountain and gathering them
around him taught them saying:

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are the meek.
Blessed are they that mourn.
Blessed are the merciful.
Blessed are they who thirst for justice.
Blessed are you when you suffer.
Be glad and rejoice for your reward is great in heaven.

Then, Simon Peter said, "Do we have to write this down?"
And, Andrew said, "Are we supposed to know this?"
And, James said, "Will this be on the test?"
And, Phillip said, "I don't have any paper."
And, Bartholomew said, "The other disciples didn't have to
learn this."
And, John said, "Do we have to turn this in?"
And, Matthew said, "Can I go to the bathroom?"
And, Judas said, "What does this have to do with real life?"

Then, one of the Pharisees who was present asked to see Jesus'
lesson plan and inquired of Jesus: "Where is your anticipatory
set of objectives in the cognitive domain?"

And Jesus wept.
==========
Date:         Fri, 9 Jul 1993 17:54:10 EDT
From:         BETH WOODELL <[e-mail]>
Subject:      PG-13 stuff I remembered just now

1) From our sports list, STATLG-L: Anthony Young was a contestant
recently on Wheel of Fortune, but lost the jackpot. The puzzle was
"Wayne's World." He lost because he couldn't buy a W.... (For those of
you who don't follow sports, Anthony Young is the Mets pitcher who
recently set a major league record by losing 26 consecutive decisions, and
he's still going, er, strong. The reason the Mets don't get rid of him is
because he's not pitching bad, it's just the Mets that suck.)

2) Wade Boggs, Steve Garvey and Pete Rose are sitting in a bar having
a drink when a gorgeous blonde walks by.
Boggs: "Man, would I love to get her in the sack!!"
Garvey: "No way, man, she's having my baby!"
Rose: "Wanna bet?" (For those of you who don't follow sports,...aw, never
mind.)

Beth Woodell
University of Maryland
[e-mail]
"Gasoline and cheap perfume--half the smell of American adventure."
   --Norman Mailer
==========
Date:         Fri, 9 Jul 1993 20:57:00 GMT
From:         "John R. Garrett" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      MATH HUMOR (A TRUE STORY)

A friend swears that this happened in his freshman math principles class,
many years ago.

One of his fellow students got very frustrated with the highly abstract
discussion, and said to the teacher, "can't we please have some
examples with real numbers in them?"

The teacher frowned, furrowed his brow, and said< "let alpha be one
real number, and let beta be another real number..."
==========
Date:         Fri, 9 Jul 1993 19:33:56 EST
From:         Sara Rummelhart <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Ethnically insensitive humor

How many Italians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two.  One to screw it in and one to shoot the witnesses.

What's a cannibal's favorite religious text?
"How to serve your fellow man."

What do you call a Chinese virgin?
Too Young To.

How do you get twenty Argentinians in a phone booth?
Let them think they own it.

What did the cannibals who caught a politician have for dinner?
A baloney sandwich.

Two Frenchmen were walking down the street when one turns to the
other and says, "Pierre, you know, there's one special time when
I really like to have sex."

"When is that, Claude?" asked his friend.

"Just before I have a cigarette."

Hear about the guy who was half Jewish and half Japanese?
He was circumcised at Benny Hannah's.

What do you call a Puerto Rican with no kids?
A virgin.
==========
Date:         Sat, 10 Jul 1993 06:33:40 EDT
From:         "[e-mail]"
<[e-mail]>
Subject:      I Hate Pay Toilets!

Here is part of an interesting discussion that went on in a private
bulletin board system I use.  I deleted all names of posters, to protect
the innocent.      <BUT A TRUE STORY>

******************

INITIAL MESSAGE SENT TO A LARGE MAIL GROUP:

At our facility there is sometimes a problem with unauthorized visitors
coming here just to use the restrooms, as some stores, and gas stations
in the immediate vicinity, just have pay restrooms.  Are there ordinances
in other areas which regulate this?  I, too, wouldn't like to pay for this,
and I see many problems that can happen.


HERE'S ONE BORING RESPONSE:

I think in the city I live in, the retail establishment must let
customers/visitors use the restroom for no charge upon request.


BUT HERE IS MY FAVORITE RESPONSE:

I'm fairly sure there is an ordinance in Los Angeles County that
regulates this, but it probably isn't being inforced properly, as
I see establishments wanting 25 cents to enter the restroom, although
they'll usually give you a free token at the counter to get in, if
you request it.
In any event, it isn't something to really get worried about.  Just
do what four generations of my family have done:

               "Crawl under the door."

==========
Date:         Sat, 10 Jul 1993 07:35:19 EDT
From:         Bert Headrick <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Naughty but cute Pearly Gates humour

Subject: Naughty but cute Pearly Gates humour

Three nuns arrive at the pearly gate simultaneously and are about
to pass through the gate when St. Peter stops them and explains
that they must first pass the test.  The fact that they are nuns
does not give them any special privileges there.

St. Peter asked the first nun, "Who was the first man?"  She
replied, "Oh, that's easy; it was Adam."  And the harps played, the
trumpets blew, the angels sang the gates opened, and she
passed beyond.

St. Peter then asked the second nun, "Who was the first woman?"
She replied, "Oh that's easy; it was Eve."  And the harps played,
the trumpets blew, the angels sang the gates opened, and she
passed beyond.

St Peter then asked the third nun, "What was the first thing Eve
said to Adam?"  The third nun replied, "Oh, that's a hard one.."
And the harps played, the trumpets blew, the angels sang...

Regards,
BERT HEADRICK, HEALTH SCIENCE, BROCKVILLE
==========
Date:         Sat, 10 Jul 1993 11:23:13 EST
From:         Sara Rummelhart <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Shagging, jogging, & condoms <adult>

Subject:      Jogging in the Nude
Date:         Sun, 13 Jun 1993 11:13:20 GMT
From:         [e-mail] (Brian D Milner)
Organization: Brunel University, West London, UK

Bloke is shagging someone else's wife. Husband comes home
unexpectedly. Bloke dives out of window starkers. Joins up with
joggers in street to hide his embarrasment.

Jogger> "You always run naked?"

Bloke>  "Sure."

Jogger> "Why the condom?"

Bloke>  "It might rain."


==========
Date:         Sat, 10 Jul 1993 11:33:38 EST
From:         Joe Mole <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Do you know what I mean <Mulla gives a speech>

DO YOU KNOW WHAT I AM ABOUT TO TELL YOU?

  Nasrudin was invited to give a discourse to the inhabitants of a
nearby village.  He mounted the rostrum and began.

  "O people, do you know what I am about to tell you?"

  Some rowdies, seeking to amuse themselves, shouted, "No!"

  "In that case," said the Mulla with dignity, "I shall abstain
from trying to instruct such an ignorant community."

  The following week, having obtained an assurance from the
hooligans that they would not repeat their remarks, the elders of
the village again prevailed upon Nasrundin to address them.

  "O people, do you know what I am about to tell you?"

  Some of the people, uncertain as to how to react, for he was
gazing at them fiercely, muttered, "Yes."

  "In that case," retorted Nasrudin, "there is no need for me to
say more."  He left the hall.

  On the third occasion, when a deputation had again visited him
and implored him to make one further effort, he presented h;imself
before the assembly.

  "O people!  Do you know what I am about to say?"

  Since he seemed to demand a reply, the villagers shouted, "Some
of us do, and some of us do not."

  "In that case," said Nasrudin as he withdrew, "let those who know
tell those who do not."
==========
Date:         Sat, 10 Jul 1993 11:53:46 EDT
From:         Bill Edwards <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Who said Clinton was a joke?

Examples of humor extracted from REMARKS BY THE PRESIDENT AT THE
WASHINGTON DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL COMMITTEE PRESIDENTIAL
GALA, June 28,
1993, Washington Convention Center, Washington, D.C.

Clinton: You heard that the Vice President, of course, broke the tie the
other night in the Senate on the economic program. What you ought to
know is that I was furiously working the phones, and a couple of
Senators -- Senator Murray from Washington was not well, and so we
thought we had enough votes to pass the bill and so she stayed home in
bed. And then two of the people we thought would vote for it said, well,
I won't let it die, Mr. President, but if the Vice President can break a
tie, that's okay with me.

So, we were there at the end. And right before the vote came down to the
end with the time running off, the Vice President sent a note to Senator
Mitchell, our Democratic leader, and he said, "George, I'm wavering."
(Laughter.) But conviction overcame him at the end ...

* * *

Those things drove me into the race and they produced in the end, thanks
to all of you, a remarkable change in the course of American life. But
the details are always more difficult than the rhetoric. Governor Cuomo
used to say frequently that we campaign in poetry, but we must govern in
prose. And as my daughter likes to remind me of that great slogan the
kids are all saying today, "Denial is not just a river in Egypt."
(Laughter.)

==========
Date:         Sat, 10 Jul 1993 15:38:59 EST
From:         Herman Archie <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Greek joke about a man who was cuckolded <adult>

One time, there were two enemies.  One of them sent the other a
box that contained a pair of horns (implying that he was a
cuckold).

So the man realized who had sent the horns.  So he filled the
horns with rose petals and returned the box with a card that
read: "We each sent the other that which he had.  You had the
horns, I had the roses!"
==========
Date:         Sun, 11 Jul 1993 13:16:33 EST
From:         Joe Mole <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Def. of success <Mulla Nasrudin>

AND IT WAS A SUCCESSFUL BEAR HUNT

  A king who enjoyed Nasrudin's company, and also liked to hunt,
commanded him to accompany him on a bear hunt.  Nasrudin was
terrified.

  When Nasrudin returned to his village, someone asked him: "How
did the hunt go?"

  "Marvelously."

  "How many bears did you see?"

  "None."

  "How could it have gone marvelously, then?"

  "When you are hunting bears, and when you are me, seeing no bears
at all is a marvelous experience."
==========
Date:         Sun, 11 Jul 1993 20:02:03 EDT
From:         Bill Edwards <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Poly-linguistic humor <mist=dung>

This humor is forwarded from one of the really great humor list
EUNET.JOKES We have over 200 international (non-USA) subscribers to this
list; I hope USA members will encourage internationals to join in
posting their humor.

FYI: NUTWORKS is no longer available from a listserv. It is still
available as a USENET group REC.HUMOR.FUNNY.

From: Sytse Kuijk <[e-mail]> Date: 11 Jun 93 08:52:00 GMT
Organization: Vrije Universiteit Brussel

In article <[e-mail]> Roger A Williams,
[e-mail] writes:

>And of course there was the US appliance manufacturer who tried
>marketing their hair-styling iron, the "Mist Stick", in Germany (with
>predictably dismal results).

And in Uruguay the Mitsubishi "Pajero" is not even imported... (hey,
where's the Uruguayan dictionnary?)

---

From: [e-mail] (I.A. Inman) Organization: University of
Newcastle upon Tyne, UK, NE1 7RU Date: Fri, 11 Jun 1993 08:46:52 GMT

[e-mail] (R.E.Benfield) writes:

>In article <[e-mail]>
[e-mail]-j uelich.de (Boyd) writes:
>>Remember to wipe your shoes after walking through the early morning
>>mist in some of the Bavarian valleys!

>The British luxury car maker Rolls-Royce fell for this one, apparently.
>Their models all have names like Silver Spirit, Silver Shadow, Silver
>Ghost, etc. Sales of the Silver Mist model in Germany were inexplicably
>low, and it took them a long time to work out why....

>There is supposed to be a soft drink in Spain called Psschitt! or
>something similar - named after the sound it makes when you open the
>can. It isn't marketed in English-speaking countries.

>Robert

Some computer related ones:

Italy:'Sega' - Word rhyming with 'Banker'. France:'Pet'(as in Commodore
Pet) - Soft Sqiggy Cheese. Germany:'Pet' - Fart. 'Vic' (as in Vic-20) -
Similar to a word when translated to English rhymes with 'luck'.

There was also a problem with a game called 'Zub'. The name had to be
changed from 'Zob', cause I believe this means something in French
speaking countries.

Anyone who has lived in a poly linguistic situation knows the perils of
language.
==========
Date:         Mon, 12 Jul 1993 09:02:14 -0400
From:         Alex Tsekhansky <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Real Programmers Don't Use PASCAL Part#1 (Computer Humor,
PG)

Hi, Folks!

Finally in our discussion with operator of the conference I
solved the question about LONG postings and series. I can post
the series, but I should divide it into parts, because
conference will not accept letters more than 100 lines (including
headers, I believe). So, here is "Real Programmers Don't Use PASCAL"
series. (By the way,I've got about 35-40 requests for this series already.
Thanx everybody and ENJOY!!!)
=======
Subject: Real Programmers Don't Use PASCAL. Part#1
Lines: 85
Group: Computer Humor
Rated: G

Note 3.43                        Computer Humor                         43 of 65
CCSU::PELLETIER                                     459 lines   6-OCT-1992 12:28
                   -< Real Men Don't Use Pascal (an oldie) >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
/Gateways/Usenet/alt/folklore/computers/Real men don't use Pascal
16115.3.3245.1 Real men don't use Pascal
9/28/92 21:23 448/23k [e-mail] (Rob Logie)
Lines 1 to 247 of 448 (55%)
-----

                     Real Programmers Don't Use PASCAL

                                  Ed Post
                         Graphic Software Systems
                               P.O. Box 673
                            25117 S.W. Parkway
                           Wilsonville, OR 97070
                            Copyright (c) 1982
 (decvax | ucbvax | cbosg | pur-ee | lbl-unix)!teklabs!ogcvax!gss1144!evp

     Back in the good old days -- the "Golden Era"  of  computers,  it  was
easy  to  separate  the  men from the boys (sometimes called "Real Men" and
"Quiche Eaters" in the literature). During this period, the Real  Men  were
the  ones  that understood computer programming, and the Quiche Eaters were
the ones that didn't. A real computer programmer said things  like  "DO  10
I=1,10"   and   "ABEND"   (they actually talked  in  capital  letters,  you
understand), and the rest of the world said things like "computers are  too
complicated   for   me"  and  "I  can't relate to computers --  they're  so
impersonal".  (A  previous  work  [1] points  out  that  Real   Men   don't
"relate"  to anything, and aren't afraid of being impersonal.)

     But, as usual, times change. We are faced today with a world in  which
little  old  ladies  can get computerized microwave ovens, 12 year old kids
can blow Real Men out of the water playing Asteroids and Pac-Man, and  any-
one  can buy and even understand their very own Personal Computer. The Real
Programmer is in danger of becoming extinct, of  being  replaced  by  high-
school students with TRASH-80s!

     There is a clear need to point out the differences between the typical
high-school  junior  Pac-Man  player  and  a Real Programmer. Understanding
these differences will give these kids something to aspire  to  --  a  role
model,  a Father Figure. It will also help employers of Real Programmers to
realize why it would be a mistake to replace the Real Programmers on  their
staff with 12 year old Pac-Man players (at a considerable salary savings).

1.  LANGUAGES
-------------

     The easiest way to tell a Real Programmer from the  crowd  is  by  the
programming  language  he  (or  she)  uses.  Real  Programmers use
FORTRAN.
Quiche Eaters use PASCAL. Nicklaus Wirth, the designer of PASCAL, was
once
asked,  "How  do you pronounce your name?". He replied "You can either call
me by name, pronouncing it 'Veert', or call me by value, 'Worth'." One  can
tell  immediately  from this comment that Nicklaus Wirth is a Quiche Eater.
The only parameter passing mechanism endorsed by Real Programmers is  call-
by-value-return,  as  implemented in the IBM/370 FORTRAN G and H
compilers.
Real programmers don't need abstract concepts to get their jobs done:  they
are perfectly happy with a keypunch, a FORTRAN IV compiler, and a beer.

*    Real Programmers do List Processing in FORTRAN.

*    Real Programmers do String Manipulation in FORTRAN.

*    Real Programmers do Accounting (if they do it at all) in FORTRAN.

*    Real Programmers do Artificial Intelligence programs in FORTRAN.

If you can't do it in FORTRAN, do it in assembly language. If you can't  do
it in assembly language, it isn't worth doing.
==========
Date:         Mon, 12 Jul 1993 10:31:45 -0500
From:         DEATH ANGEL <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Politically Incorrect

I am looking forward with great anticipation to the new show premiering on
Comedy Central, "Politcally Incorrect" hosted by Bill Maher. Here are a few
excerpts from the previews:

"So, now that we have a President from Arkansas, I'm wondering how long it
will
be before Air Force One is up on blocks in the White House Lawn..."

"What does it say to you about a country when we elect the thin Elvis to a
stamp, and the fat Elvis to the Presidency?"

"Magic Johnson has been in the news lately, which is kind of ironic now the he
had AIDS, proving once and for all that he did not HAVE a magic johnson....
Of
course, most men don't have a decade of groupie threesomes in their past. And
don't I regret it."

"After all these years, it turns out the truck bomb that blew up a GI Camp in
Lebanon was not Lebanese terrorists, but actually some NBC guys in a GM
pickup..."

Ooooh yes.... this show should be fun....

Rob
==========
Date:         Mon, 12 Jul 1993 13:07:12 EDT
From:         BETH WOODELL <[e-mail]>
Subject:      More pearly gates jokes

This one comes to me courtesy of Henry J. Spille, executive director of
American Council on Education, who broke the ice at one of our meetings
with this.

Here is a man who built a business empire from the ground up and now is
president and CEO of the whole shootin' match. He only talks to the man
at the top when doing business! When he does business with Wal-Mart, he
won't
talk to some toady VP--he does business directly with Sam Walton. When he
deals with IBM, no flunky director of marketing for him--he has to talk
personally with Ross Perot.

So naturally, when he passes away and goes to the pearly gates, he won't
talk to St. Peter. He has to talk to the Big Guy Himself. St. Peter is
annoyed, but goes and gets God anyway. (St. Peter whispers in God's ear,
"This is the guy I've been telling you about--I've been watching him down
on earth, and he's a real skinflint. Cheapest SOB I've ever observed!"
God says, "Yes, I know, remember? I know everything.") God says to the man,
"Why do you think you belong in heaven?" Our hero talks about the massive
empire he's built up and the astounding wealth and all that, and God says,
"Yes, but what have you done for others? Like...oh, say, did you ever donate
to charitable causes?"
   "Why yes," the man says, "once I put a dollar in the collection plate at
church...oh yes, and once I gave a dollar to a panhandler on the street....
um, and yes, I remember now, I spent a dollar on a fund-raiser candy bar for
my secretary's daughter's band uniforms." And there was a pause, and God
says, "That's it?" The man replied that yes, that was all. God turns to St.
Peter and says, "What do you think, Peter?" And St. Peter replies, "I think
we ought to give him his three bucks back and tell him to go to hell!"


Beth Woodell
University of Maryland
[e-mail]
"It's a dog-eat-dog world and I'm wearing Milk-Bone lingerie."
==========
Date:         Mon, 12 Jul 1993 15:04:57 EDT
From:         Ken Phifer <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: HUMOR Digest - 10 Jul 1993 to 11 Jul 1993

how do you go to read a specific item in the digest list? thanks.
==========
Date:         Mon, 12 Jul 1993 15:18:01 EDT
From:         Dan Brill <[e-mail]>
Subject:      deep thoughts

One of my favorite bits on Saturday Night Live is Jack Handy's
"Deep Thoughts" segment.  I think the world needs more of this,
and subscribers to the humor line are just the group to add to this
body of philosophy.

Of all the instruments in the orchestra, I think the trombone would be the
hardest to play.  I also think it would be one of the more difficult to
swallow.

Some say this is the age of relativism.  Maybe that's true for them, but
it isn't true for me.


Just a little to get you started.  Get to work gang.

Dan Brill
[e-mail]
Peace :-)
==========
Date:         Mon, 12 Jul 1993 15:08:53 CDT
From:         "Kevan L. Moore" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      deep thoughts

Dan Brill writes:

/One of my favorite bits on Saturday Night Live is Jack Handy's
/"Deep Thoughts" segment.  I think the world needs more of this,
/
/Of all the instruments in the orchestra, I think the trombone would be the
/hardest to play.  I also think it would be one of the more difficult to
/swallow.
/
/Some say this is the age of relativism.  Maybe that's true for them, but
/it isn't true for me.
/

one from WINGS (the tv show):

If man had evolved from kangaroos instead of from gorillas,
would we still need pouches?

one of my own:

There seems to be no way to blow over a hamburger so that it
toots like a coke bottle.

klm
==========
Date:         Mon, 12 Jul 1993 16:32:31 EST
From:         Dani Mudge <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Happy Birthday Uncle Miltie <mild>

(Uncle Miltie, Milton Berle, turned 85 today.  Here is some recent
Berle humor).

My new wife, Lorna (51), and I have sex almost every night...
Almost Monday, almost Tuesday." :)

I feel terrific.  George Burns is 97 and Bob Hope is 90.  I'm just
a kid of 85.

I may be 85, but I feel like a 20-year-old.  Trouble is, there's
never one around.

My wife and I made love about three or four months ago.  It lasted
an hour and three minutes.  Later I found out it was the night they
changed to daylight-saving time.

(In comedy circles, Berle, has a reputation as a joke-stealer.  Ed
Wynn gave Berle the title of "Thief of Badgags.")

The other night I was listening to this new comedian's act. I
laughed so hard at his jokes that I dropped my pencil.

Don't trust the advice of a man in trouble.

A woman's place is in the home, and she should go there right from
work.

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.

You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.  But who
wants a lot of flies?

A woman's word is never done.

Getting into hot water keeps you clean.

Caution is when you're scared.  Cowardice is when the other guy is
scared.

People who have a baby can't sleep like one.

Two can live as cheaply as one.  But not as long.

A cynic is one who looks down on those above him.
==========
Date:         Mon, 12 Jul 1993 16:35:25 EST
From:         Tommy Hughes <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Math jokes

A mathematician is a person who says that, when 3 people are
supposed to be in a room but 5 came out, 2 have to go in so the
room gets empty...

Why can't a computer scientist tell Halloween from Christmas?
Because oct(31)=dec(25).


==========
Date:         Mon, 12 Jul 1993 19:17:42 EDT
From:         Bill Edwards <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Poly-linguistic humor  <adult language>

From: [e-mail] (Simon Rooney)
Organization: Trinity College, Dublin
Date: Fri, 11 Jun 1993 13:16:34 GMT

The drink "Irish Mist" never really made it in Germany... esp with
it's dark brown colour and all. (Mist in german meaning shit or
dung)

---

Date: Mon, 14 Jun 93 07:14:01 GMT
Organization: ESTEC/YCV, Noordwijk, The Netherlands

Reminds me of:

1. Vauxhall (oe General Motors UK) were unable to market their new
'Nova' model in Spain. 'Nova' means "doesn't go" in Spanish. The
same model is called the 'Corsa' outside the UK.

2. The slogan 'Nothing sucks like an Electrolux' resulted in
incredibly  poor sales of vacuum cleaners in the US.

3. There used to be a Coke/Pepsi slogan along the lines of 'Adds
Life'. Unfortunately, when translated into Korean (?) the same
words in a related dialect were more accurately rendered as 'Brings
you back from the dead' and in an area of ancestor worship this was
dubious.

I've always wondered whether the last one is really one of those
urbane legends that people keep talking about :-)

---

From: [e-mail] (Dr. D. Kidger)
Organization: Manchester Computing Centre, Manchester, England
Date: Mon, 14 Jun 1993 16:02:11 GMT

The UK Electronics Company GPT have trouble with sales in France.
(GPT = Je Pete = I've farted)
==========
Date:         Mon, 12 Jul 1993 20:29:02 EDT
From:         Tom Murray <[e-mail]>
Subject:      nun joke (sexual content)

I found this at work today thought you guys might get a chuckle
out of it.

                   Bus Driver Nightmare

    A nun gets on the bus and sits behind the driver.  She says to
the driver, that she needs someone to talk to.  She lives in a convent
and wants to experience sex before she dies.  The bus driver agrees
that everyone should have that experience before they die.  But the
nun explains she can't have sex with anyone who is married, because
that would be a sin.  The bus driver says no problem because he's not
married.  The nun also has to die a virgin, so she'll have to take it
up the ass!  The bus driver agrees again and being the only people on
the bus, they go to the back of the bus and take care of business.
When they were done and he had resumed driving, the bus driver said,
"sister, I have a confession to make.  I'm married and have three
kids."  The nun replies, that, "that's okay.  I have a confession too.
I'm on my way to a costume party and my name is Bruce!"

If you like the joke reply to:   If you didn't like it reply to:
Tom Murray==>[e-mail]  The Devil==>[e-mail]
Ferris State University
911 Olaf
Big Rapids MI 49307
==========
Date:         Mon, 12 Jul 1993 19:31:43 -0500
From:         DEATH ANGEL <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: deep thoughts

>Just a little to get you started.  Get to work gang.
>
>Dan Brill
>[e-mail]
>Peace :-)

Ok, here's one for ya...

I think a fun thing to do if you were God would be to blow people up. No
special reason, just KA-PLOOOIE! Because hey, isn't that funny?

==========
Date:         Tue, 13 Jul 1993 00:51:47 EDT
From:         Charlie Hill <[e-mail]>
Subject:      PG13 Parrot Story (language)

My best friend was a long term bachelor set in his ways. One of
his favorite things in this world was his parrot. He cared for
this parrot as if it was his own child. One thing that he had
taught to the parrot, was for the parrot to squawk "LET'S FUCK."
The parrot would do this when ever he brought a girl home. He
thought it would impress the ladies.

Then he met Charity and fell head over heels in love. There was
only one slight problem, Charity was devoutly religious. Strong
language embarrassed her immensely. She would blush deeply just
at some one saying "DARN", let alone FUCK. My friend knew that
she would never tolerate his parrot and would insist that he get
rid of the bird. So he told Charity's minister of his problem.

Charity's minister being a worldly sort of guy, immediately
suggested a solution. He had a parrot that kept repeating "LET US
PRAY." The two birds would be put together in the same cage and
hopefully the devout parrot would teach my friend's parrot the
proper thing to say.

At the appointed time, the parrots were placed in the cage
together. At first all they did was squawk and flap around the
cage. Then in it's loudest squawk, my friends parrot said "LET'S
FUCK!!"  Then ministers parrot replied "JUST WHAT I HAVE BEEN
PRAYING FOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!." My friend stayed a bachelor.
==========
Date:         Tue, 13 Jul 1993 13:14:07 IST
From:         John Bastian/Johnny <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Nun jokes

Here are some "Nun jokes" from a list I have:

 1. Q: What kind of fun does a priest have?
    A: None.

 2. Q: How do you get rid of a nun's hiccups???
    A: Tell her she's pregnant!!!

 3. Q: What is the definition of suspicion?
    A: A nun doing press-ups in a cucumber field.

 4. Q: What is the definition of innocence?
    A: A nun working in a condom factory thinking she's making sleeping
       bags for mice.

 5. Q: What do you call a nun who walks in her sleep?
    A: A roaming catholic.

 6. Q: What do you call a nun with a sex change operation?
    A: A tran-sister.

 7. Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
    A: Dress her up as an altar boy.

 8.Q: What's black and white and red and has trouble getting
      through a revolving door?
   A: A nun with a spear through her head!
==========
Date:         Tue, 13 Jul 1993 11:09:34 +0200
From:         Joerg Findeisen CEDAR <[e-mail]>
Subject:      another Poly-linguistic humor PG

Some time ago there were a lot of advertisements for a perfume called
"Lulu"
in Austria.

Unforunately, "lulu" means both, urine and urinate.
Quite delicate for something supposed to be a perfume, no ?  ;-)

(Lulu is a French girl's name)
==========
Date:         Tue, 13 Jul 1993 09:11:50 -0400
From:         Alex Tsekhansky <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Real Programmers Don't Use PASCAL Part#2 (Computer Humor
PG)

Subject: Real Programmers Don't Use PASCAL. Part#2
Lines: 84
Group: Computer Humor
Rated: PG


2.  STRUCTURED PROGRAMMING
--------------------------
     Computer science academicians have gotten into  the  "structured  pro-
gramming"  rut  over  the  past several years. They claim that programs are
more easily understood if the programmer uses some  special  language  con-
structs  and  techniques. They don't all agree on exactly which constructs,
of course, and the examples they use to show their particular point of view
invariably  fit  on  a  single  page  of some obscure journal or another --
clearly not enough of an example to convince anyone.  When  I  got  out  of
school,  I thought I was the best programmer in the world. I could write an
unbeatable tic-tac-toe program, use five different computer languages,  and
create  1000  line programs that WORKED.  (Really!) Then I got out into the
Real World. My first task in the Real World was to read  and  understand  a
200,000 line FORTRAN program, then speed it up by a factor of two. Any Real
Programmer will tell you that all the Structured Coding in the world  won't
help  you  solve  a problem like that -- it takes actual talent. Some quick
observations on Real Programmers and Structured Programming:

*    Real Programmers aren't afraid to use GOTOs.

*    Real Programmers can write five page long  DO  loops  without  getting
     confused.

*    Real Programmers enjoy Arithmetic IF statements because they make  the
     code more interesting.

*    Real Programmers write self-modifying code,  especially  if  it  saves
     them 20 nanoseconds in the middle of a tight loop.

*    Real Programmers don't need comments: the code is obvious.

*    Since FORTRAN doesn't have a structured IF, REPEAT ... UNTIL, or
CASE
     statement,  Real Programmers don't have to worry about not using them.
     Besides, they can be simulated when necessary using assigned GOTOs.


     Data structures have also gotten a lot of press lately. Abstract  Data
Types, Structures, Pointers, Lists, and Strings have become popular in cer-
tain circles. Wirth (the above-mentioned Quiche Eater)  actually  wrote  an
entire  book  [2]  contending  that you could write a program based on data
structures, instead of the other way around. As all Real Programmers  know,
the  only  useful  data structure is the array. Strings, lists, structures,

sets  -- these are all special cases of arrays and and can e treated   that
way  just  as  easily without messing up your programing language with  all
sorts of complications. The worst thing about fancy data types is that  you
have to  declare  them,  and  Real  Programming  Languages, as we all know,
have  implicit  typing based on the first letter of  the  (six   character)
variable
name.


3.  OPERATING SYSTEMS
---------------------

     What kind of operating system is used by a Real Programmer?  CP/M? God
forbid  -- CP/M, after all, is basically a toy operating system.  Even lit-
tle old ladies and grade school students can understand and use CP/M.

     Unix is a lot more complicated of course -- the  typical  Unix  hacker
never  can  remember what the PRINT command is called this week -- but
when
it gets right down to it, Unix is a glorified video game. People  don't  do
Serious  Work  on  Unix systems: they send jokes around the world on
USENET
and write adventure games and research papers.

     No, your Real Programmer uses OS/370. A good programmer can  find  and
understand  the  description  of  the  IJK305I error he just got in his JCL
manual.  A great programmer can write JCL without referring to  the  manual
at all. A truly outstanding programmer can find bugs buried in a 6 megabyte
core dump without using a hex calculator. (I have actually seen this done.)

     OS/370 is a truly remarkable operating system. It's possible  to  des-
troy  days  of work with a single misplaced space, so alertness in the pro-
gramming staff is encouraged. The  best  way  to  approach  the  system  is
through  a keypunch.  Some people claim there is a Time Sharing system that
runs on OS/370, but after careful study I have come to the conclusion  that
they are mistaken.
==========
Date:         Tue, 13 Jul 1993 09:48:00 EDT
From:         "Musat, Bob" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Micro was a real-time operator

Subject: Micro was a real-time operator
Lines: 50
Group: Computer Humor
Rated: PG-13  (mild innuendo)

    Micro was a real-time operator and dedicated multi-user.
    His broadband protocol made it easy for him to interface with numerous
input/output devices, even if it meant time-sharing.
    One evening, he arrived home just as the sun was crashing. He parked his
Motorola 68000 in the main drive (he had missed the local bus that morning)
when he noticed an elegant piece of software admiring the daisy wheels in his
garden.  He thought to himself, "She looks user-friendly.  I'll see if she'd
like an update, tonight."
    He strolled up to her casually, admiring the power of her twin 32-bit
floating point processors, and inquired, "How are you, Honeywell?"
"Yes, I am well," she responded, batting her optical fibers engagingly.
    Her name was Mini, and she was nicely engineered, with eyes like COBOL,
and a Prime mainframe architecture that got Micro's peripherals networking.
    As she ran her console over her curve-linear functions, Micro dedicated
himself to a straight-line approximation:  "I'm stand-alone tonight.  How
about computing a vector up to my base address and I'll output a byte to eat."
Mini ran a priority process for 2.6 microseconds, then transmitted, "0K.  I've
been dumped recently, and a new page is just what I need to refresh my disks.
I'll park my machine cycle in your background, and meet you inside."
    She walked off, leaving Micro staring at her solenoids and thinking,
"Wow, what a global variable.  I wonder if she'll like my firmware?
    They sat down at his process table to a priority-one feed of fiche and
chips, and a magnum of baudot.  Mini was in conversational mode, and
expanded
on ambiguous arguments, while Micro gave occasional acknowledgements,
(although he was really analysing the shortest and least critical path to her
entry port.)
    He finally decided on the old "would you like to see my benchmark?"
sub-routine, but Mini was one jobstep ahead of him again!  Suddenly she was
up and stripping off her parity bits to reveal the full functionality of her
operating system software.
    "Let's get BASIC, you RAM," she said."
    Micro was loaded by this stage, but his hardware policing module had a
processor of its own, and was in danger of overflowing its buffer.  (This was
a hangup he had consulted his analyst about.)  "Cora," was all he could say.
    He soon recovered, however, when Mini went on the DEC and opened her
device files to reveal her dataset ready.  Micro accessed his fully packed
root device, and was just about to start pushing into her CPU stack, when
Mini attempted to initiate an escape sequence:
    "ABEND," she cried, "you're not shielded!"
    "Reset, baby, I've been debugged." he replied.
    "But I haven't got my current loop enabled, and I can't support child
processing," she protested.
    "Don't runaway," he said, "I'll generate an interrupt."
    "No, that's too error prone.  And I can't abort because of my design
philosophy," she countered.
    Micro was locked in by this stage, though, and could not be shut down.
Mini found the error in her subroutine, and soon stopped his GIGO by booting
his system, whereupon he went down with a headcrash, and passed out.
    "Operators," she sighed as she compiled herself, "All they ever think
about is HEX."
==========
Date:         Tue, 13 Jul 1993 09:50:55 EST
From:         Peter Greenberg <[e-mail]>
Subject:      TRUE Parrot Joke (non offensive)

A close friend had a dog named Tina and a parrot named Petey when he was
growing up.  Tina the dog would bark wildly whenever someone rang the
doorbell and members of the household would scream for Tina to shut up.
Petey the parrot has now out-lived poor Tina by ten years, but to this
day when you ring my friends doorbell, Petey the Parrot shouts out,
"Shut up, Tina!"

Peter Greenberg (no relation to Petey)
==========
Date:         Tue, 13 Jul 1993 10:34:46 -0400
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was
[e-mail]
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      Add this to your dictionary

Frisbeetarianism, n.:

        The belief that when you die, Your soul goes up on
        the roof and gets stuck.

==========
Date:         Tue, 13 Jul 1993 10:43:50 CDT
From:         BK Rogers <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Bumber Sticker

Saw this on a truck today while driving to work...

THE BEST PLACE IN TOWN
   TO TAKE A LEAK
Fugate Radiator Service


 BK Rogers                  Phillips Petroleum Company
 [phone]             Bartlesville, OK  74004
 Internet [e-mail]      Compuserv 75140,2366

Another fine product from Gizmonic....
==========
Date:         Tue, 13 Jul 1993 09:51:37 -0600
From:         "Computer Center Ext. 6839" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      One bad word

A friend of mine told me this.  (His mom, grandma, and uncles have a glass
business).

He told that a sales person came into the the business and sold his mom and
grandma a deal that they would print there logo on ice-scrapers real cheap.
They then could give the ice-scrapers free to cutosmers to advertise.  Anyway,
I guess it was a good deal and they purchased the ice-scrapers with the logo.

Well, when the order came in this is what the ice-scraper said:

                        Morgan and Sons Glass
                          The Best Piece of
                            Glass in Town

================
Dion Medina              | Work Phone: [phone]      | I spilled spot
Otero Junior College     | Home Phone: [phone]      | remover on my
dog
Student Systems Operator |   DECnet: OJC::DION             | & now he's gone.
Student Programmer       | Internet: [e-mail] |    --Steven Wright
================
==========
Date:         Tue, 13 Jul 1993 13:12:02 -0400
From:         Ron Wallman <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Bumber Sticker (PG13)

Saw this yesterday on a good old boy's truck;

         STUD
Free sample upon Request


Cheers.....
Ron
==========
Date:         Tue, 13 Jul 1993 13:32:23 -0400
From:         Amy Ward <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Lightbulb joke

Q: How many Monty Python fans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Eleven.  One to say that it is an ex-bulb and it is no more.  Another
   to claim that it's resting.  One to put a paper bag on his head at the
   mention of the word lightbulb.  Another to say that he didn't expect
   the Spanish Inquisition.  Three to burst in and say that their main
   weapons are fear, surprise and ruthless electricity.  Another to have
   his head nailed to the lightbulb.  Finally, one to do a silly walk,
   one to say "And now for something completely different...", and one
   to change the bulb.
==========
Date:         Tue, 13 Jul 1993 12:51:31 CDT
From:         Don Wozniak <[e-mail]>

Q: How many Monty Python fans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Eleven.  One to say that it is an ex-bulb and it is no more.  Another
   to claim that it's resting.  One to put a paper bag on his head at the
   mention of the word lightbulb.  Another to say that he didn't expect
   the Spanish Inquisition.  Three to burst in and say that their main
   weapons are fear, surprise and ruthless electricity.  Another to have
   his head nailed to the lightbulb.  Finally, one to do a silly walk,
   one to say "And now for something completely different...", and one
   to change the bulb.

Amy, you forgot the one who came for the argument, the one who just
contradicted, and the one who came in for "being hit on the head with
a light bulb" lessons.

Don Wozniak
[e-mail]
==========
Date:         Tue, 13 Jul 1993 19:06:36 BST
From:         Mike Ellwood <[e-mail]>
Subject:      lightbulb

q: How many Englishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
a: Two; one to change the bulb, and the other to look down on him.

........................................................................
"But apart from that Mrs Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?"
==========
Date:         Tue, 13 Jul 1993 15:59:01 CDT
From:         "Kevan L. Moore" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      another deep thought

I find it depressing to think that a tapeworm will never see a sunset.


klm
==========
Date:         Tue, 13 Jul 1993 17:09:42 -0400
From:         Napalm Death Fan <[e-mail]>
Subject:      LIGHTBULB JOKE (G)

Q: How many surrealist painters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Fish

Matt
[e-mail]
==========
Date:         Tue, 13 Jul 1993 16:34:59 -0400
From:         Ian Alderman <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Missed intention ad

My mother told me recently about an ad from the 50's on a fill-up station
and restaurant:

     "EAT HERE AND GET GAS"
*)
==========
Date:         Tue, 13 Jul 1993 16:15:37 -0400
From:         Ian Alderman <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Poly-linguistic marketing failure G

And then there was the failure of the Chevy Nova in Spanish speaking
countries:  "no va" translates as "doesn't go".  I wouldn't buy one either.
==========
Date:         Tue, 13 Jul 1993 17:32:15 EDT
From:         BETH WOODELL <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Light bulb jokes redux

Must add my two cents to the lightbulb fray. The way I heard the surrealists
one was:

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? (Two, one to
screw it in and another to decorate the bathtub with brightly colored plastic
giraffes)

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? (Two. The hard part is
getting them inside the lightbulb.)

One day I was ruminating about where old jokes came from, who actually
writes
these things, and I tried to write my own joke. The result was this:

How many Chicago Cubs does it take to screw in a lightbulb? (None. In
Wrigley
Field there are no lightbulbs.) Of course, I cannot tell this joke any more.

Beth Woodell
University of Maryland
[e-mail]
Charter member, Maryland Grammar Police
==========
Date:         Tue, 13 Jul 1993 18:23:09 EST
From:         Joe Mole <[e-mail]>
Subject:      It was a blanket fight <Mulla Nasrudin>

THE BLANKET FIGHT

  Nasrudin and his wife woke one night to hear tow men fighting
below their window.  She sent the Mulla out to find out what the
trouble was.  He wrapped his blanket over his shoulders and went
downstairs.  As soon as he approached the men, one of them snatched
Nasrudin's one and only blanket.  Then they both ran off.

  "What was the fight about, dear?" his wife asked as he entered
the bedroom.

  "About my blanket, apparently.  As soon as they got that, they
went away."
==========
Date:         Wed, 14 Jul 1993 09:56:12 IST
From:         John Bastian/Johnny <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Nun Jokes - Grumpy <adult>

 The seven dwarfs are in Rome and they go on a tour of the city.
 After a while they go to the Vatican and meet the pope.  Grumpy, for once,
 seems to have a lot to say; he keeps asking the pontiff questions about
 the church, and in particular, nuns.
        "Your Holiness, do you have any really short nuns?"
        "No, my son, all our nuns are at least five feet tall."
        "Are you sure?  I mean, you wouldn't have any nuns that are, say,
         about my height?  Maybe a little shorter?"
        "I'm afraid not.  Why do you ask?"
        "No reason."  Pause.  "Positive?  Nobody in a habit that's about
         three feet tall, two and a half feet tall?"
        "I'm sure."
        "Okay."
 Grumpy looks dejected at this news, and the pope wonders why.
 So he listens to the dwarfs as they leave the building.
        "What'd he say?  What'd he say?"  chant the other six dwarfs.
        Grumpy says, "He said they don't have any."
        And the other six start chanting, "Grumpy fucked a penguin!  Grumpy
        fucked a penguin!  Grumpy fucked a penguin!"....
==========
Date:         Wed, 14 Jul 1993 09:08:06 CET
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was
[e-mail]
From:         "A.G. Peppelman" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Lightbulb joke

Q How many superheroes does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A Three. One to change into a stairs, one to change the bulb and one to save
the universe at that time.
==========
Date:         Wed, 14 Jul 1993 08:58:57 -0400
From:         Amy Ward <[e-mail]>
Subject:      "Beat It" Parody

Sung to the tune of Michael Jackson's "Beat It"

    You're processing some words when your keyboard goes dead,
    Ten pages in the buffer, should have gone to bed,
    The system just crashed, but don't lose your head,
    Just BOOT IT, just BOOT IT.

    Better think fast, better do what you can,
    Read the manual or call your system man,
    Don't want to fall behind in the race with Japan,
    So BOOT IT,

    Get the system manager to
    BOOT IT,     BOOT IT,
    Even though you'd rather shoot it.
    Don't be upset, it's only some glitch.
    All that you do is flip a little switch.
    BOOT IT,     BOOT IT,
    Get right down and restitute it.
    Don't get excited, all is not lost.
    CP/M, UNIX or MS/DOS
    Just BOOT IT, boot it, boot it, boot it...

    You gotta have your printout for the meeting at two,
    The system says your jobs at the head of the queue,
    Right then the thing dies but you know what to do,
    BOOT IT.

    You always get so worried when the system runs slow,
    And when it finally crashes, man you feel so low,
    But computers make mistakes (they're only human you know)
    So BOOT IT,

    Call the local guru to
    BOOT IT,     BOOT IT,
    Go ahead re-institute it.
    If you're not lucky, get the book off the shelf,
    But if you are, it'll do it itself.
    BOOT IT,     BOOT IT,
    Then go find the guy who screwed it!
    Operating systems are built to bounce back,
    Whether it's a Cray or a Radio Shack.

    BOOT IT!     BOOT IT!
==========
Date:         Wed, 14 Jul 1993 10:41:59 EDT
From:         Charlie Hill <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Difference Joke (Pg 13 - sexual)

What's the difference between erotic and kinky?

Erotic is when you use a feather.
Kinky is when the whole chicken is used!!
==========
Date:         Wed, 14 Jul 1993 09:56:57 CDT
From:         "Scott P. Muir" <[e-mail]>
Organization: THE UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA
Subject:      Light bulb joke

Q: How many of Atlanta's heterosexual waiters does it take to change a light
bulb?
A. Both of them.
==========
Date:         Wed, 14 Jul 1993 16:24:47 BST
From:         Mr Hugh Armour <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Two Jokes (sexual content - PG)

A couple of jokes told in the staff room this afternoon:

Patient: Doctor, Doctor - I keep having an orgasm every time I sneeze.
Doctor : What are you taking for it?
Patient: Snuff.

Q: Whats worse than a bull in a china shop?
A: A hedgehog/porcupine in a condom factory.

==========
Date:         Wed, 14 Jul 1993 11:40:00 EDT
From:         "Musat, Bob" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      english language lament - rated g

i wrote this one YEARS ago!


A Lament to the State of the English Language
    (with apologies to The 5th Dimension)

(to the tune of 'The Age of Aquarius')
When the verb is in the present tense,
And adjectives align with nouns,
Then we will speak the English language
And not sound like a bunch of clowns!

(CHORUS)
The words we'll use now, will be
Ones like gregarious
Ones like nefarious
Hilarious!

No more poor enunciation.
Split infinitives are frowned upon.
Dipthongs are pronounced so clearly.
Idioms state much more nearly,
And our phrases are all merely
What we want to say
Day by day.

With the dictionary by our side,
And lessons learned in grammar school,
Nonsequiturs will be abhorrent!
And make their users sound like fools!

(CHORUS)
The words we'll use now, will be
Ones like prevaricate.
Ones like re-formulate.
Matriculate!

Change:
(to the tune of 'Let the Sun Shine In')
I will speak well!
You will speak well!
We'll all speak well!
(REPEAT AND FADE)
==========
Date:         Wed, 14 Jul 1993 09:40:38 -0600
From:         Jill Harlow <[e-mail]>
Subject:      JOKES

Do you know who the biggest money winner in golf is right now?
--Anyone playing against Michael Jordan.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Where do you get virgin wool?
--Ugly sheep

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

What did Spock find in the bathroom of the Enterprise?
--The captain's log.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

What do the starship enterprise and toilet paper have in common?
--They both circle uranus looking for Klingons.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

What is the Captain Kirk Virus -  It boldly goes where no virus has gone
before, then falls in love with your PC, which promptly dies.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Pap Smear - Fatherhood test
Postoperative - Letter Carrier
Prostrate - flat on your back
Recovery Room - place to do upholstery
Seizure - Roman emperor

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
BUMPERSTICKERS:

Some women are born great.
Some women achieve greatness.
And some women have greatness thrust into them.

Grass, gas, or ass - nobody rides for free.

Thank you for helping, may I hold you.

I like snatching kisses, and vice versa.

Virginity is like a balloon.  One prick and it's gone.
==========
Date:         Wed, 14 Jul 1993 12:00:40 EDT
From:         "Sammie L. Foss" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      THOUGHTS

YOU DRIVE ON A PARKWAY, YOU PARK IN A DRIVEWAY.

ENGLISH IS A CRAZY LANGUAGE
==========
Date:         Wed, 14 Jul 1993 12:14:59 EDT
From:         BETH WOODELL <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Suicidal dog; rated g

My friend Frank once went to visit his old high school buddy Paul in
New York. Paul is only 36 but he is a fabulously successful dermatologist
and has a spiffy Manhattan office and lives in a great condo on the upper
West Side.

So Frank gets to the high-rise, Paul buzzes him in and he goes all the
way up to the 47th floor! Paul greets him at the door and invites him
to relax. Paul is still bust decanting the wine and putting the finishing
touches on dinner, so he says to Frank,"While I'm in the kitchen you
can play with Biffie. She's really an intelligent dog." And Frank looks down
and sees this {small nervous dog, fill in your preferred breed} with a
Nerf ball in her mouth. She wants to play catch, so Frank bounces the
ball once on the parquet floor...Biffie immediately runs the ball down and
brings it back to Frank! What a cute dog! Frank says to himself, heh heh,
this is fun, and tries it again. He bounces it a little harder, it rolls
over to the other side of the room, and again the dog runs it down and
brings it back. Frank bounces it a little too hard the third time and it
bounces RIGHT OUT the open jalousie doors and over the balcony rail. Biffie,
being the well-trained dog she is, goes right after it, and....well, you
know. >>splat!<<

Frank is panicked. (In common-day parlance I would say, Frank is like, oh
shit!) What is he going to do? What is Paul going to say when he sees the dog
is dead? Hurry up, Frank, gotta think fast!

Paul comes out of the kitchen intending to announce that dinner is ready,
and immediately notices the dog is missing. "Where'd the dog go?" he queries.

"Uh, well," Frank stammers, "uh...well....you know, old friend, I couldn't
help noticing when I came in, your dog looked really DEPRESSED...."

Beth Woodell
University of Maryland
[e-mail]
Disclaimer: The joke is fictional but Frank and Paul are real people. The names
have NOT been changed to protect the innocent.
==========
Date:         Wed, 14 Jul 1993 11:22:16 -0500
From:         Brad Pardee <[e-mail]>
Subject:      crazy language

Have you ever noticed that parents want their kids
to sit down and to sit up at the same time?

==========
Date:         Wed, 14 Jul 1993 12:51:59 EDT
From:         Paul Worth <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: crazy language

And why is it that women wear a PAIR of panties and A bra?
                                ^^^^                ^
==========
Date:         Wed, 14 Jul 1993 13:05:00 EDT
From:         "Musat, Bob" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      define the following:  lagoon

a french idiot
==========
Date:         Wed, 14 Jul 1993 13:07:00 EDT
From:         "Musat, Bob" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      definition.   (rated R for language)

what does PMS stand for?


Putting up with Men's Shit
==========
Date:         Wed, 14 Jul 1993 14:19:20 -0500
From:         Ian Chai <[e-mail]>
Subject:      The C Bible

Glenn & I wrote this years ago.


                                        The
                                         C
                                Programming Language

                       Brian W. Kernighan o Dennis M. Ritchie

                                a.k.a. "The C Bible"
              As revealed to the prophets Ian Chai and Glenn Chappell

Genesis
Chapter 0
0       In the Beginning Ritchie created the PDP-11 and the UNIX.
1       And the UNIX was without form and void; and darkness was upon the
face of the system programmers.
2       And Ritchie said, "Let there be portability!" And nothing happened,
so Ritchie realized that he had his work cut out for him.
                                        .
                                        .
                                        .
25      And Ritchie said to Kernighan, "Let us make C in the image of B,
after our own whims: and let it have dominion over the I and the O
and all that runneth upon the UNIX," and it was almost, but not quite
so... so he realized that he had his work cut out for him again.
                                        .
                                        .
                                        .
Chapter 1
0       Thus the PDP-11 and the UNIX were finished, and all the programs in
them.
1       And on the seventh shift Ritchie ended his work which he had made;
and he would have rested on the seventh shift from all the work which
he had made, if it weren't for the system crash.
                                        .
                                        .
                                        .
Chapter 2
0       Now the COBOL was more verbose than any language of the PDP-11,
and
he said unto the programmer, "Yea, hath the Manual said, 'Ye shalt
not read of every device of the network?'"
1       And the programmer said unto the COBOL, "We may read of every
device of the network:
2       But of the registers of the printer in the midst of the network,
the Manual hath said, 'Ye shall not read of it, neither shall ye
write to it without proper protocol, lest ye cause a system crash.'"
3       And the COBOL said unto the programmer, "Ye shalt not surely crash
the system:
4       For Ritchie doth know that in the time slice ye read thereof, then
your I/O shall be opened, and ye shalt be as system operators,
accessing locked accounts with unlimited privileges."
5       And then when the programmer saw that the printer was good for
interfacing, and that it was pleasant to the I (and to the O),...
6       And they realized they were unstructured, so they patched RATFOR
subroutines...
                                        .
                                        .
                                        .
The Gospel
0       And the Messiah shalt come, born a mere B but to grow up into the
Saviour C,
1       Wherein true structured programming may be achieved, yea, verily,
yet while being able to do bit shifting.
2       For although the Law (Pascal) hath been given, the Law cannot
  for (i=0; str1[i]!='\0'; i++) str2[i] = (str1[i]>='A' &&
str1[i]>='Z')? str1[i]+32 : str1[i];
but must
        i := 0;
        while (i <= length(str1)) do
          begin
          if str1[i] in ['A'..'Z'] then
            str2[i] := chr( ord(str1[i]) + 32))
          else
            str1[i] := str2[i];
          i := i + 1;
          end;

The Revelation
0       Yea, in those last days, the Saviour shalt come again, but
enhanced, in the rainment of C++
1       And then shalt the Beast, FORTRAN, and the AntiC, COBOL, be thrown
into the trash HEAP where there is weeping and byting of pins.
2 And all the faithful programmers shalt be led into CRAY where
billions of MIPS are at each one's fingertips.
==========
Date:         Wed, 14 Jul 1993 14:31:26 -0600
From:         Les Pourciau at Memphis State
<[e-mail]>
Subject:      Hydrogen Bomb (in German)

Frage:  Wie sagt man "Hydrogen Bomb" auf Deutsch?
Antwort: Eargesplittenlautenboombermitgrossemholeingrundmitalleskaput!

Translation:  Question:  How do you say Hydrogen Bomb in German?
              Answer: Eargesplittenl...................................

==========
Date:         Wed, 14 Jul 1993 15:26:20 -0500
From:         Ian Chai <[e-mail]>
Subject:      more German

Haha! That German joke reminded me of one conversation we had at the
German
coffee hour:

        Stephan said that his wife's sister was getting married, and
        had made a 3-tier wedding cake. Except he said, "drei-tier
        Heiratkuche."

        ... so I drew die Bremer Stadtmusikanten 8-)

Notes for those who don't know German:
        "tier" is German for "animal"
        Die Bremer Stadtmusikanten are the 3 animals from that old German
        fairy tale who became musicians.

Alles Gute
        Ian
==========
Date:         Wed, 14 Jul 1993 20:16:45 -0600
From:         Les Pourciau at Memphis State
<[e-mail]>
Subject:      Another "Germlish" definition

A certain P.J., a subscriber to HUMOR, wrote to me saying that she enjoyed
my posting earlier today offering the German for Hydrogen Bomb.  I responded
by sending her another bit of Germlish, offering her all rights and privileges
germane to posting it on the HUMOR list, and daring her to do so.  She
declined
and returned the dare, soooooo, P.J., here 'tis:  Q: How do you say "brassiere"
in German?  A: Holdsemfrompoppinout!

==========
Date:         Wed, 14 Jul 1993 22:01:21 EDT
From:         Tom Murray <[e-mail]>
Subject:      sick but true (gallow's Humor)

    Some of you have heard about Davy Allison (sp?) the race
car driver who died in a helicopter crash a couple of days ago.
    The funny thing is that everybody is mourning his death now
but if he had died in a car crash while "working" no one would
have given it a second thought.
    Ain't life grand?  No pun intended!

Tom Murray==>[e-mail]
Ferris State University
Big Rapids  MI  49307
==========
Date:         Thu, 15 Jul 1993 11:50:00 GMT
Comments:     <Parser> W: TO field duplicated. Last occurrence was retained.
Comments:     <Parser> W: TO field duplicated. Last occurrence was retained.
Comments:     <Parser> W: TO field duplicated. Last occurrence was retained.
Comments:     <Parser> W: TO field duplicated. Last occurrence was retained.
Comments:     <Parser> W: TO field duplicated. Last occurrence was retained.
From:         Terri Tobias <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Another "Germlish" definition

Q: How do you say "brassiere" in German?  A: Holdsemfrompoppinout!
==========
Date:         Thu, 15 Jul 1993 08:03:24 -0400
From:         Mike Thompson <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Another "Germlish" definition

Ah, yes, and another translation for brassiere!  Answer:  Gefloppenstoppenzer.

Auf Wiederlesen!
          ^^^^^
met

On Wed, 14 Jul 1993, Les Pourciau at Memphis State wrote:

> A certain P.J., a subscriber to HUMOR, wrote to me saying that she enjoyed
> my posting earlier today offering the German for Hydrogen Bomb.  I
responded
> by sending her another bit of Germlish, offering her all rights and privileges
> germane to posting it on the HUMOR list, and daring her to do so.
She  declined
> and returned the dare, soooooo, P.J., here 'tis:  Q: How do you
say  "brassiere" > in German?  A: Holdsemfrompoppinout!